dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
