My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
