My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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