im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
