so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
