M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
