Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I intend to get homeless drunk
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
