There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
