forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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