watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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