Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
