Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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