you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
