I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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