when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
