that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
