no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
