I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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