Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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