Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
