I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
