He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I need to stop coming to work sober
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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