I wanna bring you to show and tell
found the other keg... it's in the tree
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
