After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
