you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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