You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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