I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
