There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
