New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
