I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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