I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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