Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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