I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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