The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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