so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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