No awkward lesbian experiences without me
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
