I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
