Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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