My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Are we still banned from the library?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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