Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
