I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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