she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
