There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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