I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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