Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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