so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
