I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I AM VODKA MAN
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
