lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
