be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
