when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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